Dear Kermit: It ain’t easy being rainbows, either
I bet it’s easy to be straight. I mean, duh, of course it’s easy being straight in a gay man’s eyes. Serious stuff notwithstanding–the right to get married, spousal health benefits, the ability to hold hands and kiss in public without fear of being hate crimed–I bet there’s just a lot of tiny little stuff that makes the breeders’ lives just a little easier to live.
Honestly, let’s just talk about sex, because that’s the only thing that really matters in this world (if you try to argue with me on that, I’m just going to point out that you’re reading a blog on a porn review website, so kindly take your objections and fist yourself with them). Oh, sex. Right off the bat? Roles. When you’re straight, you know exactly who’s the top and who’s the bottom. When the heteros are on a date that they know is going to end in sex, then know exactly whose penis is going in whose vagina. Not like us homos. There is no subtle way to have that conversation. At some point in your dalliance, you are going to have to have this conversation: “Are you a top or a bottom?” If you’re a smart man, you’ll get that out of the way right off the bat, so that way you don’t end up in bed with both of you on your stomachs, waiting for the other to take the plunge because you’re both big, nelly bottoms.
Additionally, there is the…oh, how do I put this delicately? I’m sure that vaginas have their fair share of issues to deal with: keeping them cleaning, smelling good, etc….sure, once a month it’s a little messy down there, but you generally know that it’s messy down there during that period (pun entirely unintended) of time. But guys, specifically guys who bottom, have it a little bit harder. Yes, I’m talking about poop. Now, shit happens, literally. Sometimes you get a little santorum going on (for those of you not in the know and too afraid to click on the link, santorum is that “frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex”; it’s also a senator. Yes, I’m laughing at the phrase “frothy mix” because it sounds like a milkshake. …aaaand, I’ve ruined milkshakes for me, now. And senators) and that’s okay. It’s bound to happen. What’s not okay is when a dick goes in white and comes out brown. That’s not cool, and that’s something that bottoms constantly have to worry about.
And it can sneak up on you, too. I know some bottoms who, when they know they’re going to have sex and have some time, will severely monitor their diet so that their stool comes out nice and easy, with minimal clean-up. I know some bottoms who, when they know they’re going to have sex and have some time, will use a Dyna-Douche to make sure they get the all clear from the poop chute. This has some pros and cons. Obviously, you’ll get a clean anus, but you have to do it a few hours in advance, otherwise your colon’s getting rubbed raw and that’s good for no one. I also know some bottoms who, when they know they’re going to have sex but don’t have a lot of time, will stick a condom-covered finger in there, just to make sure. This is generally a last-ditch effort and if you’ve found yourself doing this, you know that you’re reaching the end of the Rope of Desperation, and it’s a long fall to the bottom of that well. Ladies: I’ll bet you generally don’t have to worry about stuff like that. (PS: Ladies, don’t douche. No, seriously, don’t douche. It’s bad for your bajingo. Trust me. I took a class with an MD doctor who specialized in sex ed, and I once documented her saying “The vagina does not need to be power washed. Put. The Douche. Down.” So please…don’t flood the basement.)
Obviously, this is just the tip of the nit-picky iceberg. Below the surface is a sexually-differing monstrosity big enough to sink the Titanic and the Carpathian combined (another thing that comes to mind: guys who can’t get it hard enough to get into a tight sphincter…I know the Vag can get pretty tight, too, but still).
Care to weigh in? Sexually speaking, what do you see is the biggest inconvenience to being gay in a straight man’s world?
- Stephen
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