Saturday Night in Gay Man’s Land, Pre-Club
1. Spend three hours in the gym. That’s 50 minutes of cardio, 75 minutes of strength training, 15 minutes of stretching and 40 minutes of cruising the locker room/showers.
2. Nap. The only thing yawning will do is let guys know what your face will look like when you’re on your knees.
3. Eat a light meal. Nobody wants to dance with a fat ass. This will also get you drunker quicker, which makes everyone more attractive.
4. Shower and shave. Yes, I mean down there. No one at a gay bar wants to go on safari in the Wild Bush.
5. Get dressed.
6. Change your outfit because you look fat.
7. Change your outfit because you look too gay.
8. Change your outfit because you look fat again.
9. Change your outfit because you wore that last week.
10. Call your flame dame and ask to borrow her tank top with the rhinestones on it.
11. Call her back when she hangs up on you, and ask to borrow her tank top with the rhinestones on it.
12. Call her back when she hangs up on you and tell her it’s or a friend.
13. Call her back when she hangs up on you and ask her to come over and help you pick out a outfit.
14. Call her back before she leaves and ask her to bring her tank top with the rhinestones on it.
15. Make sure your eyebrows are properly tweezed. Unibrows only work for Bert, and all he caught was Ernie.16. Watch TMZ in your underwear and contemplate when Miley Cyrus will take a wrong turn on Crazy Avenue and run into Britney Spears.
17. Pre-party by dancing in your underwear to “Circus” by Britney Spears.
18. Take a shot of Absolut while waiting for your friend to show up.
19. Wonder if taking a shot by yourself is problemating drinking, because you shouldn’t drink alone.
20. Decide you’re not drinking alone because your cat is in the room and therefore you are not alone.
21. When your friend arrives, answer the door in your underwear. It’s nothing she ain’t seen before.
22. Ask her why she didn’t bring her tank top with the rhinestones on it.
23. Tell her you’re mostly just kidding and beg her to come back inside.
24. Toss all of your party clothes ever onto your bed and have her pick out an outfit.
25. Get pissy when she picks the outfit you first tried on.
26. Decide to wear the outfit anyway. You’re not fat, the outfit doesn’t make you look fat.
27. Make your friend swear to tell you if the outfit makes you look fat.
28. Tell her you’re mostly just kidding and beg her to come back inside.
29. Take a shot of Absolut with your friend without telling her you’ve already done one.
30. Realize it’s only 9:30 and no one’s going to be at the club yet.
31. Watch Hannah Montana on Disney Channel.
-Stephen
2 Responses to “Saturday Night in Gay Man’s Land, Pre-Club”
Saturday Night in Gay Man’s Land: At the Club | Gay Reviews Blog - April 26, 2010
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Saturday Night in Gay Man’s Land: Post Club | Gay Reviews Blog - April 30, 2010
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