Saturday Night in Gay Man’s Land: Post Club
Have you read Pre-Club & At The Club?
1. Get in the cab before the straggling gays on the sidewalk who couldn’t find a piece in the club try to bribe you with a roofie colada.
2. Tell your flame dame that the drink they’re offering is a roofie colada and pull her into the cab with you.
3. Tell her you were mostly just kidding, but not really.
4. Ask the cabbie to take you to the nearest Waffle House because obviously what the two of you need at three in the morning is bacon and waffles.
5. Ask the cabbie to pull over so your flame dame can throw up.
6. Ask the cabbie to please pull over so your flame dame can throw up.
7. Ask the cabbie if he’d rather have your flame dame throw up in the cab or on the curb.
8. Tip the cabbie extra when you get to Waffle House, because he pulled over so your flame dame didn’t throw up in the cab, and also because he didn’t seem to mind when your flame dame kept calling him “Benny Benny Boo-Boo” and requesting daffodils at their wedding.
9. Stop the cabbie from giving your flame dame his number, because it ain’t gonna happen.
10. Try to dodge the judging gaze of that homo in town that everyone has been with.
11. Wonder way that judging little fairy is everywhere you want to be. It’s like he’s Gay Visa.
12. Order the manager’s special: Eggs, bacon, hash brown, toast and a waffle. No, you could normally not put all that away. But you’re drunk. And drunk equals bad food decisions.
13. Get your hash browns smothered and covered.
14. Try not to sing that one song about doin’ it like they do on the discovery channel.
15. Sing it anyway. Fail.16. Applaud when the entire restaurant joins in, because that shit was awesome.
17. Beast out on your meal.
18. Try not to squeal when the cute bartender from the club walks in.
19. Squeal when he’s out of earshot.
20. Explain to your drunken flame dame who he is.
21. No, not Bart, the bartender.
22. The difference is, Bart is the hottie with the unfortunate name who danced with your ex, and the bartender is someone completely different, so quit being a drunk-ass idiot.
23. Tell her you’re mostly just kidding and beg her to come back inside.
24. Attempt not to keep looking at the cute bartender.
25. Accidentally get caught staring at him. Fail.
26. Get confused when the waitress brings you over a glass of orange juice that you did not order.
27. Try not to squeal when she tells you that someone sent you the drink and points out the cute bartender.
28. Squeal when the waitress is out of earshot. Fail.
29. Try to explain to your flame dame how this is the most delicious orange juice ever and that it’s totally a slam in the face to that bitch Anita Bryant.
30. Because she was that orange juice bitch who hated gays.
31. That bitch from the 70s.
32. Tell your flame dame that no, in fact, you do not remember her only because you were around in the 70s. You are not that old, dammit.
33. Try not to pass out when the cute bartender is suddenly sitting next to you.
34. Try not to be too embarrassed when all you can say is “Hi” in a squeaky voice and then turn red. Apparently, you just entered puberty. Congratulations.
35. Feel relieved when the cute bartender strikes up a conversation with your flame dame.
36. Panic when you remember that your flame dame is drunk and doesn’t know when to shut up.
37. Kick your flame dame underneath the table. Hard.
38. Jokingly say “Next time, I will kick you so hard in the cooter your kids are going to be born with “Nike” stamped on their forehead” but say it in that tone of voice where she knows you’re not kidding.
39. Be relieved when cute bartender finds that funny.
40. Try not to swoon when in the middle of the conversation, the cute bartender leans back against the booth and puts his arm on the back of the booth, so that it’s kind of around you.
41. For all intents and purposes, he just peed on you and marked you as his territory.
42. Try not to stick your tongue out at the judging little homo who is so totally living that the cute bartender is flirting with you, and not with him.
43. Stick your tongue out when cute bartender isn’t looking.
44. Give cute bartender your phone number.
45. Try not to stare at cute bartender’s cute butt as he walks away.
46. Stare anyway. Fail.
47. Take a cab home with your flame dame.
48. Try not to grin like an idiot when cute bartender texts you.
49. Realize it’s 5:00 a.m.
50. Fall asleep watching Hannah Montana on Disney Channel.
-Stephen
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