Saturday Night in Gay Man’s Land: At the Club
…Did you read Saturday Night in Gay Man’s Land, Pre-Club?
1. Flirt with the bouncer.
2. Try not to act pissy when flirting with the bouncer doesn’t get you free admission.
3. Try not to complain that the orange wristband they give you to prove you’re older than 21 clashes with your skin tone.
4. Tell your flame dame that the orange wristband would’ve gone perfectly with her tank top with the rhinestones on it.
5. Tell her you’re mostly just kidding and beg her to come back inside.
6. Follow the advice of Cher Horowitz: Do a lap around the club before you commit to a location. Or a man.
7. Try to dodge the judging gaze of that homo that everyone in town has been with.
8. Seriously, there’s no reason for him to be that bitchy. Just because everyone in town has had a ride in that amusement park doesn’t mean you have to. You have standards.
9. Tell your flame dame to stop laughing because you have standards, dammit.
10. Try not to flounce away.
11. Stop by the bar and attempt to order a drink that’s not too gay.
12. Order a Hypnotiq and Mountain Dew. Fail.
13. Tip the bartender extra. He’s super cute, and it’s always good to grease the bartender’s palm.
14. Not like that, you big gross. Tell your flame dame to stop acting like a 12 year-old boy.
15. Tell your flame dame that NO, 12-year old boys are not your type. Just because you dated that 18-year old once…16. Squeal when you hear the dance mix to “Circus” by Britney Spears and race to the dance floor.
17. Lose yourself in the music.
18. Find yourself in the arms of that guy in the blue shirt with the arms. Woof.
19. Lose yourself in making out with that guy in the blue shirt with the arms. Woof.
20. Find yourself when you find out his name is Bart. A homo by any other name would be better than Bart, Mr. Shakespeare.
21. Grab your flame dame and hightail it off the dance floor.
22. Order another Hypnotiq and Mountain Dew. Tip the bartender 50%. Seriously, you’ll be glad you did later.
23. Take the stairs to the upstairs area where you can have an eagle eye view of all the homos dancing on the floor.
24. Get your ass grabbed by the 60 year-old man who thinks that’s funny.
25. Don’t say anything mean to him, otherwise karma will mandate that you’ll be that 60 year-old man someday.
26. Visit the unisex restroom with your flame dame. Never leave yourself alone in a gay bar. Who knows what gayhawks might be watching?
27. Contemplate whether that’s a boy or a girl.
28. Argue with your flame dame as to whether that’s a boy or a girl.
29. Ask the boy or the girl what his or her name is.
30. Tell him or her that Jamie is a great name. What’s his or her middle name?
31. Tell him or her that Jamie Morgan is a great name.
32. Order a shot of tequila from the bar. Tip the bartender 50%. No, seriously.
33. Spy on the dance floor. Who’re you gonna dance with next?
34. Try not to shriek in anger when you see your ex-boyfriend, the one who dumped you after bad sex (entirely his fault), dancing with Bart. Bart is your man, dammit. You had him first, bad name or no.
35. Tell your flame dame this is the worst thing that could ever happen and that your life is ruined.
36. Tell her you’re mostly just kidding and beg her to come back inside.
37. Spend 30 minutes dancing with her on the dance floor to that one song that lasts an hour.
38. Complain that the music here sucks.
39. Shriek like a homo when “Since U Been Gone (Jason Nevins Dance Mix)” by Kelly Clarkson starts playing.
40. Order another Hypnotiq and Mountain Dew from the bartender. Tip him 50%. Dammit, just listen to me.
41. Spend the next hour dancing with various guys, trying to find the right fit. They’re like jeans.
42. Try not to get pissy when you don’t find the right fit. They’re like jeans.
43. Order another Hypnotiq and Mountain Dew from the bartender. Get it for free because you spent the entire night tipping him 50%.
44. Realize the bartender is much, much cuter than you first thought. No, like, legit. Not because you’re drunk-ish, and not because he gave you a free drink.
45. Rescue your flame dame from the arms of the Drag King dressed up like Justin Timberlake and convince her drunken ass that Drag Justin is, in fact, a woman.
46. Realize it’s after last call and there’s no way you’ll be able to get your flame dame a much-needed bottle of water.
47. Get a free bottle of water from the bartender because you spent all night tipping him 50%.
48. Try not to squeal when you realize the napkin he handed you actually has his number on it.
49. Squeal when you get out of the bartender’s hearing distance.
50. Call a cab–don’t drink and drive. Ever. No, ever. Think about it this way: you drink and drive, you get caught and go to jail, and then you’ll never see what the bartender can really do.
-Stephen
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