How to Succeed in Gayness Without Really Trying
Way back in the day (okay, only like six years ago, but still) when I lived in Other City, I loved going to the Big Gay Dance Club in town. There were always a ton of hot gay guys, many who would dance with me; the bartenders made excellent drinks (I can still remember my first Long Island there…well, barely; it was a strong Long Island); the DJ played great music and when I went with my best girl friend, shit just happened and it was all awesome. But it took me awhile to get into the groove at Big Gay Dance Club, to really make it my place. And now it’s time to share that advice.
1. Make friends with a bartender
Pick one bartender and get to know him. Or her, whatever. Pick a drink that you like and always order it from them and make sure to tip well. At BGDC, Long Islands were $3. I’d hand my bartender a five-dollar bill and when he brought my change, left it there. NEVER say, “Keep the change,” because you’ll sound like a douche. Trust me, bartenders know what they’re doing and they know who leaves them what as a tip. But why should you do this? Because bartenders remember. They know who tips shitty, they know who treats them shitty. If you have a regular bartender who remembers your drink and remembers that you tip well, you’ll get better drinks: not watered down, a bit stronger, a bit more delicious. Occasionally, you’ll get some freebies: A free drink, a free shot, a free bottle of water after “last call” has been announced. That’s because they either like you or they want to keep the tip wheel greased.
2. Don’t hate on the older queens
Once, this guy was dancing with me and was being really inappropriate and no matter what I did, he wouldn’t go away. So I made panicked eyes at this 40 year-old queen named Terry who I’d made friends with, and he made a beeline for me. Through some gay telepathy, he knew exactly what I wanted him to do. ”Hey sweetheart,” he said, leaning down to kiss me on the cheek. I looked at Mr. Inappropriate and said, “Sorry, the boyfriend calls.” The older queens will do that for you if you’re nice to them. If you’re not, they will end you.
3. Have a code with your bestie
More often than not, I went to the bar with my bestie. What was really nice is that BGDC had unisex bathrooms, so whenever we went to the bathroom, we were able to go in at the same time in the same stall. We were real close. We wouldn’t, like, watch each other pee or anything, but it was nice to travel in pairs. But anyway, she and I had a code. If we went with each other, we’d always go home with each other, no hook-ups means no one gets left alone. And we always danced together. That’s where our code came into play. If, while dancing with a guy, I needed to get away from him because I finally got a good look at him, he was being a creep, or any other reason, I would look at the bestie and say “Are you doing okay?” Those 4 words were her cue for saying no, at which point I’d say “Do you need to go to the bathroom?” and then she’d say yes. Voila, problem solved.
4. Don’t stay in one area for too long
If you’re looking to make new friends (and by friends, I mean if you’re looking to find someone to fuck), don’t commit to one area of the dance floor. Don’t limit yourself to just sitting by the bar. If it’s a big dance floor, dance in a few different spots. Walk around the club, talk to people. Sit at the bar for a bit. Dance up by the stage. Shit, dance on the stage. The more you get around the club, the more guys you see and the better chance you have for finding someone to take you home.
5. When Kelly Clarkson sings “Since U Been Gone”, dance
Seriously. Whatever the fuck you’re doing, you stop and get your ass on the dance floor. There’s no more exhilarating sight than seeing every gay man swamp the floor to dance their asses off. The best part? When she gets to the chorus and everyone jumps up and down in sync, with their fists in the air. Sniff…it brings a tear to my eye.
So there you go. Five simple, easy rules for surviving at the Big Gay Dance Club of your choice and how to make it your own place. If you follow them, you’ll have a blast and who knows, maybe you’ll end up Queen one night. But that’s a blog for a different day.
-Stephen
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