Safe Word Theory
Photo courtesy of Fisting Central
So you’re in your dungeon with your man and he’s got you tied to a rack, leather hood pulled over your head and a his hand at your throat. He’s flogging you with a cat o’nine tails, you’re rock hard and a few more whips and tugs will send you over the edge. And then it happens: Your nose, through which you have been breathing, has finally succumbed to the musty smell of your basement and has become stuffed up. Oxygen is quickly becoming an issue and as much as you’d like to continue and have that life-changing orgasm that’s on the verge, you know that it will be life-changing because it will be your last. So with your last few breaths, you open your mouth and use all your strength to utter your safe word: ”Sarah Jessica Parker”.
Instantly, dicks are flaccid and your man is ripping the leather hood off of your head, but only so that he can dash to the corner and ralph in it, because Sarah Jessica Parker is the ultimate mood killer.
The question therein lies: What constitutes as an appropriate safe word? The purpose of the safe word is not to kill the mood, but make it so that the mood isn’t killing you. A quick word that, when uttered, will ease the slack off your throat, or make the riding crop not come down so hard, or have 8 of the 37 clothespins pinched around your testicles removed. So clearly, some words for you gay men to stay away from include, but are not limited to:
- indigestion
- labia
- flatulent
- pansy (never mind on that one)
- cotton poly-blend
- apricot
- Rosie O’Donnell (that one’s a given)
- bridesmaid
- free clinic
- vagina boob
- Ann Coulter
- camouflage
- sushi (don’t ask)
- anchovy paste
- Proposition 8
How does one go about picking a safe word, for that matter? Like I said before, you don’t want something that’s going to kill the mood, but you do want something that’s not going to be in your normal, every day sex vocabulary. Is there a length requirement (again, we’re talking safe words, not penises)? If you’re running short on breath, you don’t want to have to try and squeak out “Vanilla soy Chai latte with room”. Imagine all you get out is “Chai latte” and the next thing you know, you’re getting the world’s most uncomfortable enema (unless you’re Janet Jackson back in the 90s). But anything too short could come across as a grunt, or be lost within the grunts: try saying the word “emu” next time you’re going at it rough and tumble and see if your partner even hears you. And if he does, he’s going to start laughing because, really, emu?
What if you themed it out? Maybe all of your safe words should be presidential in nature? Say you’re tied up and you want to be freed, so you shout “Abraham Lincoln”. Or you feel like the next blow from the bamboo stick could cripple you, so you squeal “FDR!” Or nothing is going right and everything is wrong wrong wrong so you bellow “George W. Bush!”
I personally think I’m going to go with the onomatopoeia found within old Batman comics and say words like “Blammo!” and “Kazow!”and “Awoooga!” I bet it’s all in the delivery. As long as I don’t shout it out like I’m punching the Penguin in his big penguin-y bottom, I bet the mood will stay sexy, and I’ll stay alive and scar-free.
Unless I’m fucking Adam West. Then I’m screwed.
-Stephen
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