You Won’t Find A Boyfriend
Listen up, my gaybies (that’s “gay babies”, in case you didn’t know. And no, I’m not calling you babies, like, you’re immature little children, I’m calling you babies as a term of endearment. God, now I’m all distracted. Lemme start over.). Listen up, my gaybies, because I’ve got something you really need to hear: you’re not going to find a boyfriend on the internet. At least, you won’t find a boyfriend on Adam4Adam. Or ManHunt. Or etc. etc..
It’s a shocking realization, I know. You spend all this time sitting on your couch or in your bed, constantly checking to see who’s reently logged on, who’s available, who’s checked you out or who’s sent you a wink or a smile (and really, what a fucking retarded way to show your interest in someone, like, if I were in a bar or walking down the street and someone smiled at me I’d be like, “Oh, maybe that guy is interested in me!” and then if they never walked over I’d be like, “Oh, I guess not.” Or, like, if someone rando winked at me I’d be like, “Um…do you have something in your eye or are you having a seizure?” because really, it’s not the 1970s in San Francisco, nobody winks anymore)…wait, where was I? Dammit.
Oh! Right. So you spend all this time on these sites and here I come along and tell you that it’s not going to happen. Sucks, I know. But better you find out from me that all you’re going to get from those sites is a hookup and possibly the Clap (do people call it the Clap anymore?). And if all you want out of those sites is a hookup, then more power to you. I’ll be honest: that’s why I’m there. For a hookup. Occasionally it’s fun to just talk to people, too, to pass the time. But I’m not on there thinking that I’m going to find a relationship with anyone on that site.
You say you have a friend who met his boyfriend of the last 5 weeks on Adam4Adam? Guess what? It’s not going to last.
You have a friend who found his boyfriend of 10 years on ManHunt? Guess what: ManHunt hasn’t been around that long. And those people are the exception, not the rule. The thing about exceptions is that they’re one in a million and chances are you’re not that one. Look, I know that it sucks that these sites that were created for us homos is a place where we can only fuck and not date, but that’s what our culture has turned into. So for those of us who want a boyfriend, who are ready to settle down, what do we do?
Go. Outside.
No seriously, get out of the house. Go to the library. Go to museums. Go see a movie or a show by yourself. Take a walk in the park. Go sightseeing. Just do something. Get out there and make yourself known and available to all the other guys who are making themselves known and available, and start talking to people. You have no idea that something as simple as saying “Bless you” to the hot guy who sneezes could land you your husband. It’s the little things, the little connections, that bring people together. But just like you won’t win the lottery without buying a ticket, you’re not going to find a man without talking to one first. Take the first step. Go for it.
Just make sure to keep watching internet porn, because I still need money.
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