Stephen’s Dirty Thirty for ’11
The Tales of the City series by Armistead Maupin is one of my favorite things to read. And since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I’m going to crib something from one of his characters. In one of the books, Mouse comes up with New Year’s Resolutions, but for Valentine’s Day. He calls it “Michael Tolliver’s Dirty Thirty for ’77″. The resolutions he writes are incredibly gay, in the strictest homo sense of the word. I’m going to do the same thing, but, y’know, for New Year’s. So here goes.
Stephen’s Dirty Thirty for ’11
1. I will not buy skinny jeans.
2. I will not keep my current pair of skinny jeans as a barometer for how skinny I am.
3. I will stop pretending that I’m going to find a boyfriend on Adam4Adam.
4. Or Manhunt.
5. Or Craigslist.
6. Or Gay.com.
7. I will make friends with a straight man (yeah, I stole this from Mouse’s list, but I need to do it too).
8. I will limit myself to buying only two new cardigans no matter how cute any of them might be.
9. I will not make the same promise for sweaters.
10. I will stop holding out hope that David Boreanaz will leave his wife for me.
11. I will treat myself to a vacation.
12. I will not use that vacation as an excuse to hook up with new guys that aren’t from my hometown.
13. I will use that as an excuse to sing “Oh-oh, no-oh, I do not hook uh-up, no-oh!”
14. I will not pay for a membership at Manhunt.
15. I will stop referring to other homos as “Gurl!”
16. I will master the double pirouette.
17. I will stop hiding my shame that I watch shows on Disney Channel.
18. I will not cry when “Wizards of Waverly Place” goes off the air.
19. I will stop harboring Twitter crushes.
20. I will stop pretending I wanted to be a gymnast for the gymnastics instead of for the auto-fellatio.
21. I will stop assuming all male gymnasts are gay.
22. And male ice skaters.
23. But not male ice dancers because damn, that shit is gay.
24. I will accept the fact that the hot straight waiter at the bar is flirting with me for the tips.
25. I will continue to tip him well as long as he continues to flirt with me.
26. I will stop looking for shirtless pictures of my hot friends on Facebook.
27. I will stop deluding myself that my Inner Black Woman can replace Oprah.
28. I will stop comparing vaginas to the Watcher at the Mines of Moria.
29. I will admit that I’m too old to shop at American Eagle.
30. I will most likely say “Fuck bitches, I do what I want” and throw this list out the window.
-Stephen
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