“Do me hard!” and other porn pet peeves…

Porn is pretty awesome.  I mean, duh.  If you’re a porn star, you get paid to have sex with other people, which is awesome.  And if you’re not a porn star, you can watch other people have a ton of sex and satisfy whatever primal urges you have (which is delightful for people like me, who have sworn off hooking up as a 2011 resolution, but let’s see how long that lasts, and that’s a post for a different time).

Sometimes porn pisses me off, though.  I mean, yes, occasionally there’s just bad porn (and believe me, I’ve seen my fair share of it) and that sucks.  But sometimes even good porn pisses me off, so I’ve compiled a list of porny pet peeves for your reading (dis)pleasure.

1.  Bored Porn Stars

Okay, look.  I know you’re not going to win an Oscar for your performance as “Best Male Bottom in a Supporting Role”, but still.  Put some effort into it.  There is nothing more boring than watching porn where the actors are clearly bored.  Or if they’re more interested in looking good than fucking well.  You know how you can tell if the actors aren’t into it?  If they don’t look ugly.  Have you ever watched sex where the people are super, super into it?  And it’s just a wild, wild mess?  They make ugly, ugly faces.  Sex is not pretty, people.  Not if it’s done right.  So get ugly, or get gone.

2.  Bareback Incongruity

It’s a big word, incongruity.  So let me give you an example:  this guy is taking it in his ass, right?  And he’s takin’ it bare.  The two are going at it, pretty wild, and the top pulls out to bust a nut all over the bottom’s face, and the bottom clamps his mouth shut.  Like, I know the point is that facials can be pretty hot, but damn.  You just had a raw cock up your ass!  What’s the difference if you accidentally get, like, a half a teaspoon of cum in your mouth?  And if it does get in their mouth, they actively spit it out.  Like, forcefully propel the cum from their mouth.  Let it drizzle or something, shit.  It just cycles around to point number one:  porn stars not being into it.

Image courtesy of Randy Blue; click for full gallery

Here’s a new rule:  don’t dirty talk if you don’t know how to do it.  How do you know if you’re a bad dirty talker?  Here are some examples:

Yes, I have heard all of those in a porn and no, the last one wasn’t in a porn about mechanics. Which is why it sucked.  If dirty talk doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t try it.  It sounds ridiculous.  Or, just try “fuck that ass” a couple times and then start grunting.  Fake it til you make it.

4. No Sounds At All

This isn’t the fault of the actors.  This is the fault of the producers.  Look, when I’m watching porn, I don’t want to hear flowery music or ‘bow-chicka wow wow” all the damn time.  Like, have an intro and an outro maybe, but I want to hear the actors (assuming that they’re good dirty talkers).  I like my porn dirty, and the grunts and the moans and the sounds guys make when they cum are what really sells the dirty for me.  Covering it up with shitty music orchestrated on your Casio 900 keyboard that you’ve had since 1993 is like painting a couple of happy little bushes on the Mona Lisa.  Or something.

5.   Twinks

Your mileage may vary.

…fine, I’ll elaborate.  In about 95% of the twink porn that I watch, the twinks focus on one thing:  looking good.  I think it’s because they’re so damn young and they think that everybody wants them, so all they have to do is look good.  Let me tell you, in real life, you can fuck the hottest fucking fucker around, but if he’s a lousy lay, you’re going to be disappointed and never want his cock again.  It’s like my first point, but emphasized because they’re twinks.  That said, there are a few sites (helpfully reviewed here at Gay Reviews where the twinks are into the sex and when they are, it’s hot like fuck.  Brent Corrigan?  Sells it every time.  Your average twink?  Le sigh.

I’ve got a list that’s three miles long, no doubt.  I’m very particular about my porn.  I’m more interested in what you have to say.  What are your biggest porn pet peeves?  The ones that, when you see them, are guaranteed to make you choose another vid?

-Stephen

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