A Pitch for Bravo TV’s resident hottie Andy Cohen…
Dear Andy Cohen,
Um. Hi. How’re you doing? *bashful smile* Lord, you’re so pretty. Can we make out a little bit?
Shit, I already got distracted.
Okay, so there are some things I want to go over with you. Let’s start with Bravo TV and how you’ve made it gayer than Christmas at Liza Minelli’s, rivalling Logo and the CW as the gayest network on television (let’s be honest CW, between shows like Gossip Girl, 90210 and Smallville, you’re pretty friggin’ gay). First of all: awesome. Logo doesn’t have the viewership that you do, and the CW won’t come out as a gay network, so more power to you. That said, use that power to your advantage. What’s stopping you from creating a program that’s strictly dickly? Before your reign, there was a gay dating show, Boy Meets Boy. I’m not suggesting that we necessarily revisit that trainwreck (really, did we need to have a gay dating show where the twist was that some of the homos were actually heteros? We couldn’t just have a straight-up gay dating show? So to speak?) but why not something similar? Do you know how awesome such a show would be? Think about all the drama that takes place on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and then imagine what would happen if those shows were gay. Oh my God, it would be a beautiful tragedy. 16 hot homosexuals vying for the attention of the alpha gay, except they’re also attracted to each other, so everyone is hooking up with everyone else. It. Would. Be. Awesome. Ratings galore. Everyone would be talking about it. Joel McHale would feature it on The Soup every week. The opportunities write themselves.
Right now, Bravo TV just teeters on the brink of homosexuality. Yes, shows like Top Chef, Top Chef: Just Desserts and The Fashion Show are chock full of queers. Real Housewives of New Jersey, Atlanta and Beverly Hills feature more drag queens than Ru Paul could shake a stick at. Even that pork rind Patti Stanger is extending her Millionaire Matchmaking out to gay boys. So why not ramp it up a notch. Why not a show that caters only to homosexuals (other than your own show, “Watch What Happens Live”)? You’re sitting on a gold mine. You’ve got King Midas potential. Think about it.
The only other agenda that I have in this letter is for you to CALL ME. No, seriously. You’re hot like fuck. God, you’re hot. And as you get older, you just get hotter. And hotter. And hotter. Who cares if Kathy Griffin called you out on your one lazy eye in her latest comedy special? It makes your hotness accessible, like when a gorgeous guy has a crooked smile or one leg shorter than the other. ‘Cuz with that smile, and a body that looks like it could be a linebacker….
Wait, what was I saying? Sorry, I got lost for a second there. I’m just sayin’, we could make it work. We could turn it into a reality show for Bravo TV: “A Dandy For Andy”. Two birds, one stone.
Um, so…yeah, Cohen. The ball is in your court. Literally, if you’d like.
Love,
Stephen
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