The Art of the Online Hook Up

Image courtesy of Fling; click for full gallery

I’m not passing judgment when I say this–Lord knows that would make me a hypocrite–but if you’re reading this blog or if you’re into online gay porn at all, there’s a pretty good chance you’ve tried to hook up online.  I have.  There’s no shame in it.  If you think about it, that’s really all what going to bars is about, trying to hook up.  Granted, going to the bar offers you a little more fun:  dancing, drinking, gossiping about all the other tragedies out on the dance floor.  But there are those times when you just want to enjoy a quiet night at home while still wanting to get a piece.  And it’s real easy too, considering the 800 million sites online designed for such hook ups.

Online hook-ups generally start with one crucial element:  your online persona.  Or your online profile.  The two generally go hand in hand.  Of course, the main thing people are going to look at is your picture, so you need to pick one that is going to make people want to, y’know, do you.  You’d think it would be easy, but it’s not.  Especially when your profile goes hand in hand with it.  If you’re on a hook up site saying that you’re looking just for friends but your picture is of your cock?  You’re a liar.  And a stupid one at that.  When choosing your picture, choose something that’s going to seem enticing and aligns with the message you’re trying to get across.  If you’re not going to show your face, that’s cool.  Just know that at some point in your courting session, the other guy is gonna wanna see it.  Or your ass.  Or your cock.  Or really, anything.

If there’s one point I stress here, it’s that if you expect someone to show you more pictures of themselves, you gotta be willing to pony up.  It’s only fair. Saying something like “I don’t show pictures of myself” is bullshit.  To be quite honest, the minute a guy says that to me is the minute I chunk the deuces and just start ignoring him.  I’m not walking into a situation where I don’t know what a guy looks like, and I’m not going to trust someone who says “Trust me, I’m attractive” (yes, that’s a line someone actually said to me once).  Because it’s going to suck for you when I walk in, think you’re ugly, and walk out. Among other things.

Innyway.

When it gets to the point where you’re exchanging pictures via email, there are two things to keep in mind:  show recent pics of yourself.  If you show pics from 5 years ago and I walk in and see that you’re now 30 pounds heavier, bald, and look like you’ve lived every day twice, I’m going to turn around and walk out.  Yes, I’ve done that.  And I didn’t feel bad about it.  The other thing to remember is the name your email is under.  It cracks me up when guys don’t use a nom de plume for their “naughty” email address.  I mean, even just using a single letter is fine.  But when you put your full name down?  I’m automatically heading to Facebook to see if you have more pictures on there.  It’s just like before you go out on a date with someone and want to creep on them.  You’re educating yourself!

Some quick last words of advice:

That’s all I got for now. I’ve been talking with this hot veterinarian with an amazing ass and, uh…I like it doggy style.

-Stephen

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