Something a little more serious
This month marks the 30th anniversary of the discovery of the AIDS virus, and a couple of days ago someone asked me to watch a documentary about the subject. It was devastating and terrific. For a long time afterwards, I had no desire to have sex and no desire to look at porn. Every time I saw naked men I just thought of needles and hospitals and sickness.
I’ve been blessed to live without HIV, and I do my hardest to keep it that way. What amazes me is how, if I’m around the actual subject, I lose all interest in sex. Does this happen to anyone else? The best way to describe it is that, I suddenly find myself not wanting to be exposed to anything remotely related to the topic. I know guys who’ve celebrated their negative test results by going out to the nearest gay bar or club and staying up all night drinking and drugging and kissing all the boys. When I had my first test, all I wanted to do was stay away from men. Ironic, ain’t it?
Now that it’s been a couple of days since I watched that film, I’ve been trying to get in the mood again. Vanilla sex seems to work best. If I’m gonna look at porn, I want it to be those clips of romantic guys kissing, with that ridiculous background music. Part of that is the fantasy of sex, I suppose. Instead of looking at something harsh and cold, I want to fall in love with the notion that it’s all beautiful and perfect and safe.
Before you start rolling your eyes at that notion, keep in mind that porn, to begin with, is created to fulfill our sexual fantasies. Right now mine are like one of those Harlequin romance novels come to life—but with two men.
-David
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