Stages of Gay
Recently, one of my favorite episodes of Will & Grace was on. It was the hour-long Thanksgiving episode where the audience finds out how Will came out to Grace. There are a lot of really great lines–Karen’s are fucking classic–but what stuck out to me was a line that teenaged-Jack had to pre-homo Will: ”You’re in stage three: you’ve bought the short shorts, but you’re afraid to put ‘em on.” Naturally, that got me wondering what the stages of coming out would be like if they were compared to Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief and loss.
Sometimes I’m smart.
1. Denial
This one is pretty obvious. I mean, there are so many ways in which homos deny that they’re big flaming homos. Going on a date with the hot girl and only going as far as touching boob. Taunting the weaker gay kids in the hallway, knocking their books out of their hands and stuffing them in lockers. Pretending that the boner you get from seeing your best friend in the locker room shower is because you got a little too into soaping yourself up–which you did, because you stayed back to watch your best friend soap up in the shower. And then he watched you soap up. And then you touched each other inappropriately. And then the coach walked in and did both of you and suddenly you couldn’t deny it anymore. Which led to…
2. Anger
How dare your coach do you in the butt! How dare your best friend put your penis in his mouth! How dare your penis like it!??!
3. Bargaining
This is probably where you’re going to do a girl. It’s the whole piece of “If I do this girl, then I’m not gay.” This is also where you might start to fudge the line a bit. ”If all I do is watch gay porn, it’s okay because that doesn’t mean I’m gay.” ”A mouth is a mouth, so if a guy blows me it’s okay, as long as he doesn’t have a beard or a mustache and I keep my eyes closed the entire time.” ”This ass is basically like a vagina, only tighter. If you think about it, I’m actually smarter than everybody else because this ass is tighter. Also, if I can’t see his penis while I’m fucking him, then I may as well be fucking a girl because girls do it in the ass too.” ”If I touch his penis, it’s an accident and I’m not gay.” ”If he accidentally cums in my mouth while I’m blowing him, I’m just getting my protein shake for the day, and that’s not gay, that’s health.” Au contraire, mon frere. Not only is that gay, that is the exact opposite of health.
4. Depression
Does this mean you have to be all flamboyantly obvious like Richard Simmons and all you can listen to is Elton John and Cher now? In all honesty, that would depress me, too. I mean, I love Cher, but only listening to her for the rest of my life would be tragic. Also, rainbows are too garish and I don’t look good in short-shorts and they don’t even make a foundation that matches my skin tone. Um, I think I just started projecting. This is the stage where you’re going to eat like a fucking pig and gain a shit ton of weight, because all the gay guys you know go to the gym. Or it’s the stage where all you’ll do is go to the gym because you’ll be surrounded by lots of testosterone, a bunch of sweaty, muscle-y, manly men who just want to get together, get pumped up and then maybe fool around in the shower….
5. Acceptance
…hunh. I guess I am gay.
-Stephen
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